


Between the Debris

by prince_rivailles



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Ereriminibang2k19, Hand Jobs, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Romance, Some manga spoilers, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 02:41:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19432237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prince_rivailles/pseuds/prince_rivailles
Summary: Levi’s eyes soften, the words that leave his lips sounding hollow even as he attempts to believe them, “The war is over, Eren.”It’s been three years after the war, three years since Paradis became free--they had healed. On the surface at the very least, but the aftermath of war still lingers and for the heroes of war--where does that leave them? Somewhere between the debris of wondering what came next and falling into a broken routine was all they could do to keep going.With lovely fanarthereandhereby L_Leonhardt.





	1. If the War is Over

**Author's Note:**

> For Ereriminibang2k19. With lovely fanart [here](https://l-leonhardt.tumblr.com/post/185980067845/its-the-first-time-hes-seen-eren-passed-out) and [here](https://l-leonhardt.tumblr.com/post/185980781805/levi-continues-to-stand-there-his-head-tilted) by L_Leonhardt. Please check it out! I had a lot of fun, thank you for working with me.

It’s not his first time, it’s not his last.

Eren’s sitting at Jean’s bar again, the other man throwing him worrying glances that he’s choosing to ignore. So long as the alcohol kept coming, Eren didn’t care. Didn’t care that it’s barely 10 pm and he’s had more to drink than he knows that he should. His head is swimming fuzzily and somewhere in the back of his mind he can hear Armin and Mikasa chiding him again, telling him that poisoning his body wasn’t the way to go, but they’re out of town and have their own lives so it was hardly relevant what Eren decided to do with his, right?

It’s been three years after the war with the titans, three years since the war with the rest of the world and Paradis was liberated. “Free” as he had screamed so loudly into the sky that day, exactly three years ago, knees colliding with the ground in exhaustion, the earth beneath him suddenly feeling so real--the overwhelming sense of relief and something else that he couldn’t describe as he had realized that the dream of freedom for Eldians had finally been achieved. It had all felt surreal then with the deaths that he hadn’t mourned, the betrayal left and right, the further destruction of their homeland as if the Titans hadn’t destroyed enough before they had been forced to fight Marley.

To say he ever thought he’d see a day where he’d be sitting in a bar with the most of his troubles being how he would make it home that night when he was so trashed was something he didn’t think would ever come, despite how relentless he had fought to get to this point.

Following that had been a blur. A blur of reconstruction taking place for the city, the houses, their dreams--all of it was rebuilt with civilians working along the side of soldiers. Gradually, everything changed and through the years the people began to forget, the children running carelessly amongst the streets again as if the war had never happened.

Three years since Paradis had been at war, three years since the isolation from the rest of the world had ended--Paradis had healed.

On the surface, at the very least.

But Eren was a war hero. And for veterans of war who had fought with every last dying breath--where did that leave them after the war? Somewhere between the debris of wondering what was next and throwing themselves into normality. Whatever that even meant.

For Eren, that had meant wandering aimlessly trying to find something he wanted, but if freedom was all he ever wanted and he was supposed to be free now, where did that leave him? He supposes he had a dream years ago, a dream to explore the outside world, but somehow when the war and reconstruction had ended, he hadn’t felt much desire to venture out. When he had spent all of his life fighting to be free, fighting to see what the rest of the world had to offer, it only seemed like some cruel irony that those feelings didn’t hold so strongly anymore--like fighting to protect his home made him want to stay and cherish it all the more. Perhaps some day he would hold some desire to explore the rest of the world again, but for now he didn’t have the energy, couldn’t be bothered, not when the world had declared war on them. Instead, that dream had dimmed along with the end of the war.

And so the feelings of emptiness had clawed at his heart, ebbing away his very sanity as he realized with some sickening feeling that he had nothing else left and the world didn’t need him anymore either. Was he even truly free when he still woke up more often than not before the crack of dawn, heart shuddering as the blood of so many stained against his hands, the ghost of crimson untraceable and unseen by all but himself? Those flashes of war, of memories that wouldn’t leave him be, those moments that had his pulse racing, adrenaline coursing through him to overcome fear to ever stand a chance, to fight if he ever wanted to survive--that mantra still etched against his heart--all it did was leave him feeling emptier. Emptier because none of that mattered anymore.

Eren would open his eyes, the images fading into nothing more than pigments of his imagination, and realize that there was nothing to fight, that all the built up fighting instincts that was all he had ever known didn’t matter anymore.

The war was over. The only thing left to fight was himself, his memories--and learning to accept that the sins of his past was the only way they had won the war.

So who could blame him, when all Eren did these days was drink too much, watching the day blend into the next, the sun rising and setting so insignificantly?

Eren traces his fingers over the rim of his glass, before he picks it up and finishes the rest of his drink. The alcohol burns against his throat, but it’s since become so familiar that he hardly notices. It’s not like it matters anyways; if anything, he welcomes it.

His eyes skitter across the rest of the dimly lit bar, the light's glimmering off the dark laminated wood of the tables. He has to say, Jean’s really outdone himself with the place and the villagers seem to think so too if the bustling chatter that makes up the background noise is anything to go by. Eren’s eyes settle on the figure at the other end of the bar counter, one of the man’s calves propped up against his knee, fingers holding up a novel in one hand, while the other holds up their glass in a way that brings back a sense of nostalgia.

Eren only knows of one person who ever held things in a such a peculiar manner and when his eyes trail up to the figure peeking behind the book, he almost smiles because he isn’t wrong.

_Captain Levi._

Eren indulges, for a moment, as he observes Levi, who doesn’t seem to be paying his surroundings any attention, his face expressionless and not giving anything away as he reads his novel. That hasn’t changed, Eren thinks, and somehow that’s the most comforting thought that has crossed his mind in...well, far too long if he was honest. To see that even in times of peace, Levi wasn’t so different than the person Eren had grown to known was oddly settling.

He knows they haven’t really talked properly in quite some time and for a few brave seconds, he considers going over and greeting him. He’s seen Levi here before, often in fact, but he’s never made the effort to talk to him. Never wanted to intrude the way he doesn’t now, either. Not when Levi looks so enthralled with his novel, carelessly taking sips of the whiskey sloshing around his glass.

So Eren does nothing. It’s not the first time. Besides, Eren isn’t sure what he’d even say. After the war, everyone had went on to find their own routine--whatever it was to keep going, and while he still held great respect for those he had fought along the side of, still wanted them to live long wholesome lives because they were the most important people to him, he thinks some things didn’t need to be said. They would always mean a lot, would always share a certain kind of bond that only fighting along the side of would ever bring even if they didn’t talk as much anymore.

This time, a faint smile does break across his features as he looks away and back at his empty glass, thoughts drifting over Levi and how Eren was glad to see that he seemed to be fine. If it was anyone who deserved to live a peaceful life, it was Levi.

Eren sighs out into the bustling bar, his eyes growing heavier as he rests his head against his arm. Just a second, he tells himself as his eyes fluttered shut, the warm daze that the alcohol provided along with the background noise and thoughts of Levi luring him into a nap he doesn’t mean to take.

\--------------

Levi glances at the page number of his novel and sets it down against the bar counter, his eyes adjusting to the world around him. He knows it’s strange to come to a bar in the evening to read, but for some reason he did it once and found himself kept coming back. He’s not entirely convinced it’s because it’s the bar atmosphere that he craves, or his fondness for whiskey, but it’s somehow become routine. Much like he knows that a certain green-eyed man has made it routine to come in and drink himself senseless.

It’s the first time he’s seen Eren passed out drunk on the bar counter though. What prompts him to do what he does next, he’s not sure, but in the next instance he’s finishing his whiskey and his legs take him up to where Eren is asleep. Levi hops onto the bar stool next to Eren, his eyes glancing over the slouched body.

“Look at you, sleeping here like it’s your own house.”

Levi’s not certain that Eren can hear--probably can’t--the other looks far too deeply knocked out and Levi sighs, before reaching into his pockets and pulling out a few coins to pay for his drinks.

Unbeknownst to him, Jean watches him from behind the bar and then his voice interrupts as the coins are pulled out, “That’s not necessary, sir.”

Levi’s eyes flicker up towards the bartender that has made there way over to them, their eyes meeting as they stare at each other. Then Levi shakes his head and ignores Jean’s protest against Levi paying for both his and Eren’s share. “You can drop the formalities, Kirschtein.”

Jean shrugs, eyes glancing down to Eren’s sleeping form and then back at Levi. “You’ll always be our captain.”

Captain.

Ah.

Just like that Levi is brought back to the memories that never fade, the exhaustion creeping deep within his bones and he’s not entirely sure if he’s just getting too fucking old or something else, but being a captain seemed both a lifetime ago and only just yesterday. He knows it’s only been three years, but that three years had simultaneously passed by in a blink that he hardly knew where it all went and somehow seemed to be so long ago that he isn’t even sure why hearing Jean’s words make something inside of him ache.

Levi swallows and waves a hand dismissively, willing his words to come out the same way, but really he doesn’t know what to say to that. Doesn’t know how to respond to Jean referring to him as captain and implying that to Eren, he’d be the same. He believes him too, knows that Eren would probably would call him captain if he was awake right now. So instead he pushes the coins over and settles for, “Just let me have this one then.”

Jean seems hesitant to accept, but finally nods and tilts his head towards Eren’s sleeping form, “Alright. You going to see to it that he gets home then?”

He supposes the way Jean says it is to play it off cooly, almost wanting to look annoyed that Eren was passed out drunk on his bar counter, but Levi sees right through him. Sees the concern reflected his eyes, his tone of voice more worrying than anything and it’s all too nostalgic.

They’ve come along way. Levi still remembers the way they used to fight all those years ago, fists flying and anger steaming on both ends, the way he had to break it up by kicking them both and roll his eyes every time he heard Jean insult Eren or vice versa. He knows as well as they do that there was never any real hatred there. Not really. And especially during the last few years of war, he knew that the respect and understanding they held for each other had only grown further even if they would never admit it.

Jean is studying him closely and Levi realizes he’s yet to answer. Levi gives nothing away and then stands up, pushing the stool back, “It’s not like he’ll make it back on his own.”

And for a moment, Jean breaks character, gives him a look that is all gratitude and sincerity of relief as he says softly, “Thank you, sir.”

Levi does roll his eyes this time as he turns to drape Eren over his back. He knows the sight is ridiculous--Eren is so much taller than him, knows that if anyone cared to pay attention it was surely a sight to see, but Jean doesn’t say anything. “Told you to stop with the ‘sir’. It’s just... Levi.”

Without another word, he hoists Eren more securely onto his back, wrapping the passed out man’s arms around his neck as he hooks his arms under the other’s knees. Eren is definitely on the heavy side, his height not doing Levi any favors, but Levi’s not weak either and still maintains his training, the same way that he feels Eren does, too.

\--------------

With the weight of Eren’s body against him, Levi walks much slower than he normally does. It’s not until he’s taken the path that leads them away from the center of town that he remembers he doesn’t know where Eren lives. Unsurprisingly, he’s never been to the other man’s house even as they had both settled in the same town. While his mind had been preoccupied elsewhere, his feet had moved on in the direction of his home--the same route that he had taken almost everyday since he had made visiting Jean’s bar a part of his routine.

Levi exhales into the cool night air, the village lights dimming in the distance as he heads towards the hill. He figures it’ll have to do, Eren can walk home in the morning.

It’s hard to tell how much time passes, a good half hour perhaps as he’s more than halfway up the hill, before the breath against his neck shifts, the man behind him awakening. Eren mumbles something against him that draws Levi out of his own thoughts.

“You awake?” he asks, his hands readjusting for a better grip beneath Eren’s knees.

“Mm,” is the reply he gets in response. It’s muffled, the other sounding more asleep--or drunk--than consciously awake. It takes another few minutes of silence, all that’s heard being the sound of Levi’s footsteps against the soft grass and the distant chirp of critters, before Eren replies more coherently.

“...Captain Levi?” Eren asks, confusion prevalent in his voice as he raises himself slightly against Levi’s back. He looks around and then down at the man currently carrying him, his eyes blinking down in disbelief.

With the moonlight as their leading source of light, the grass illuminates before them, Levi staring off into the distance as they step closer towards the top of the hill. He can almost make out the few houses that sit at the top--his included. Jean is right; Levi knew he would be, but still hearing a disoriented drunk Eren refer to him with that name without a second thought stirs something inside of him he doesn’t know how to deal with. It always came back to that, didn’t it?

All that he manages is, “Not your captain anymore.”

Eren’s arms wrap more firmly around Levi’s neck, his head leaning back against Levi’s shoulder as he relaxes again. Eren’s voice is soft and laced with sleep, but beside Levi’s ears they seem to speak volumes louder, “I know, but it doesn’t make it feel like any less.”

Levi doesn’t respond, has nothing to say to that, so he doesn’t. Doesn’t ask Eren why that is, doesn’t ask him what he means or why he felt like the other man seemed to see right through him. Eren’s last sentence seems to only confirm this feeling. Instead, he lets the unvoiced questions fill the silence and for an unsettling moment he wonders if Eren knows just how much those words affect him. How much being called Captain does, too.

It’s not like he ever wanted to be.

He remembers years ago when he had first left the underground world, given a chance to join the Survey Corps, but having had no real intention of ever being anything more then someone who would make it in the world. Someone who could be free somewhere. Those years fighting for freedom had turned longer than he ever thought they would and before he realized it, he had became captain.

Here he was, more than a decade later, the freedom he so desperately yearned for surrounding him and yet he feels uncertain. Still living in the war that no longer existed, still affected by titles that have long passed, still suffocating in his search for something in a world that he couldn’t seem to fit into.

Freedom supposedly, but at what cost?

No one had ever told him that being free would feel so empty, would render him blank as he stares out over the horizon wondering what it was he looked forward to. Nor did they ever tell him that years after the war he’d still be stuck in the past, that becoming a civilian would be so... different.

Only Eren seems to echo those sentiments.

So maybe when Levi takes him home that night, he doesn’t need to think twice before he kisses him. He could say it’s the alcohol in his body, mind a haze with the familiar lull of being drunk, or the way that his heart felt empty and the thought of Levi carrying him up that hill had felt so wholesome, it had reminded him of the person he used to be.

So kissing Levi? It’s not like he had anything to lose.

Levi tastes like whiskey, smells like the subtle fragrance of tea leaves and feels like the gentle breeze of the ocean waves splashing against the shores as he stares off into the distance, that distance that is the blue hues of what was once his dreams.

Eren’s not inexperienced, he’s kissed his fair share of men back then, and again even after the war, but this time--for the first time--kissing Levi jolts something in him that he’d thought he’d long lost since the war ended. Kissing Levi feels like the last linger of lightning just before the storm is over, the last of something that Eren has chased after but could never reach.

Moments later, Levi pulls apart from the kiss, lips still lingering against Eren’s as he comments, “You’re drunk.”

Eren looks down at him, his eyes unfocused, his back pressed against the door as he had pulled Levi close without another thought. He sounds almost disappointed as he states, “You’re not.”

“I know.”

Eren stares at him, eyes clouded slightly as he searches Levi’s eyes for something that Levi can’t put a name to. “Not fair.”

Levi chuckles. He means to play it off lightly, teasing even, but it comes out a bit more melancholic than he means to as he answers, “Life’s not fair, Eren.”

The sad look that Eren gives him clenches at his heart in a way that he didn’t think was possible, the feeling too tight and makes him almost want to take his words back as the other man echoes back his own words, “I know.”

Eren’s still close enough that he feels the way the other man breathes against his own lips. Eren reeks of pure alcohol. It’s almost disgusting and he wants to tell him so even if he hadn’t minded the kiss, had more than not minded it, but then Eren’s voice interrupts him.

Softer than before, Eren confesses, “It’s been a long time coming.”

Levi holds his unwavering gaze as he asks, “What?”

The faintest smile graces across Eren’s lips as he lets out a slow breath, the sound almost like a relief against a heavy weight that perhaps the other man had carried for so long--the same way that he seemed to be admitting to. “Thinking of kissing you.”

Levi swallows, throat suddenly going dry as he pulls back far enough for his eyes to scan across the rest of Eren’s face, trying to read the other man in the dark as he finds himself wondering, “How long?”

Eren doesn’t hesitate, his eyes still fixed onto Levi’s own, those unfocused orbs still stunning and standing out even in the darkness of Levi’s house. “Back when I first joined the Survey Corps.”

Levi exhales, his heart beating much too quickly in his chest, eyebrows raising slightly at Eren’s confession as he murmurs to himself more than anything, “That long?”

Eren shrugs. Shrugs because in the midst of war, fighting for their lives, fighting for humanity, acting on romance seemed...naive. Back then, as much as he had wanted to kiss Levi, to tell his captain that he had feelings, he knew Levi wouldn’t have conceded even if there was some slim chance that he felt the same.

Romance in the midst of war was unthinkable, stupid and Eren had shoved those feelings down deep enough that he had let it mull into nothing more than a dull longing. Somehow though, even through the years those feelings had never went away.

Except now there isn’t a war, at least not one they can physically fight. So to say that Levi’s never thought about it, never wanted to kiss Eren too, would be a lie. It’s the first conversation they’ve had in longer than he can remember and whether it’s really a conversation, he isn’t even sure. Just like how he isn’t sure how to answer Eren, even if the other doesn’t look as if he was expecting an answer--or anything--from him.

For that, he’s grateful. Instead, Levi takes ahold of Eren’s wrist, his expression blank as he changes the subject, “Come on, let’s get you in a shower. Sober you up.”

Eren whines then, almost deadweight as Levi tugs at his wrist, but Levi is persistent and so he lets himself be led into the bathroom.

\--------------

Levi switches the bathroom lamp on before going to the shower and letting the water heat up. It’s when they’re standing there in the bathroom that he remembers that Eren is drunk, the other man swaying on his feet slightly as he pulls at his shirt, face lost in thought as he stared at the ground.

“You never do get drunk, do you?”

Levi hums in the back of his throat in agreement, “I suppose not.”

“How does that even happen?”

Levi shrugs, blurting out the first thing that comes to mind, “Ackerman blood.”

Eren stares at him, blinking as if the wheels in his head are turning, trying to perhaps see if there was any truth to that statement until he remembers that Mikasa has definitely been drunk before and Levi deadpans, “I’m joking. Fuck if I know, I just have a high tolerance.”

“High tolerance sounds like an understatement. Have you tried getting drunk?” Eren has seen Levi drink many times in fact, but never in his time had he ever seen the older man look even slightly affected. Eren’s hands curl around the edge of his shirt, finally tugging it over his head and revealing his bare chest as his hand goes down to the zipper of his pants next.

Levi wasn’t wrong; Eren is toned, as much as he remembers from back then, his body almost purely muscles. It seems that the three years since the war’s been over hasn’t changed that. Unsurprisingly, his skin is flawless--almost as if he had never been scarred by war and he supposes that was one of the perks of being a titan shifter--wounds that would heal, skin that never marred.

Scars that you couldn't see.

Levi entertains the thought. If he couldn’t see the scars on his own body would he feel it any less? Would it be easier to forget the memories that he couldn’t seem to leave behind if there wasn't a constant reminder of them every time he looked at himself?

It’s reality that pulls him back though, the reality of looking at Eren, that look he’s seen in his eyes every time he walks into Jean’s bar, that look that’s there everytime he orders one too many drinks. The look that even now, when the other man is casually talking about Levi’s drinking habits, he sees hiding just beneath the surface and Levi knows. Knows just how stupid that sounds, the pretense that if he didn’t scar it would be easier to forget. He knows only too well of the scars that you couldn’t see and would still haunt you--images that didn’t just go away, feelings that stuck no matter the time that passed--so even if he had been like Eren, without physical scars, he was sure he’d feel it all the same.

Certain that Eren felt it, too.

Levi looks away when he realizes he’s staring, choosing to focus on the shadows of the lamp that patterns across the bathroom instead. “If drinking half a bottle of whiskey counts, then sure.”

Eren pauses, hands gracing against the zipper of his jeans as he considers Levi’s statement. Slowly, his intoxicated mind supplies, “You’re kidding?”

“I shit you not.”

It’s a moment of silence and then--Eren breaks out into laughter. Laughs because of how Levi the response is, because of the oddity of the situation--never imagined in a million years that he would be having a conversation like this with his captain, while he’s half naked, intoxicated and in Levi’s bathroom.

Levi can’t help but let the corners of his mouth twitch, curling ever so slightly at the edges to the sound of Eren’s laughter. He thinks it’s the happiest he’s seen the other man all night, the sound strangely settling, warm like afternoon sunshine and as if they’ve finally broken whatever heaviness that hangs between them.

As Eren’s laughter dies down, Levi clears his throat and asks, “You still train then?”

Eren pulls at the zipper of his pants, tugging at the fabric until he’s able to pull a leg out, one after another. It’s a bit surreal--Eren standing there in his bathroom, his long hair still pulled up in that small bun and--Levi realizes he’s never had the chance to really look at him in the past three years. Not since back then.

It’s a strange feeling. That Eren’s grown up, his features more defined, more mature. He realizes the ridiculousness of the thought too, that of course Eren had grown up--how could anyone not after fighting through hell and back--he’d only forgotten just how much. How much Eren is no longer just the boy who had too much vengeance, who had looked up at Levi like he had been some kind of hero, something more than just a monster.

He knows how long it’s been, but studying Eren now, he doesn’t remember ever getting such a close look. Eren looks good even with his long hair, something Levi had never thought he’d care for, but now has him thinking not bad.

Eren strips himself out of his boxers and hesitates, even in his intoxicated state, and then mutters, “Hard to break out of.”

But Levi hears him and nods, “I know the feeling.” 

Eren shrugs as he explains, as if Levi needed an explanation. Maybe it was more for himself, maybe Eren needed to say it to come to terms with the half-truth that he knows barely scratches the surface of the real reason behind his actions. Maybe he thinks saying it out loud will justify it. “I mean it’s a good work out, too. Keeps me occupied, helps me clear my head, sort through the...mess…sometimes.”

Then Eren pauses, a distant look in his eyes as he seems to battle internally with whether he wants to dive in deeper, but at this point they’re already treading into dangerous territory, already past the point of shallow conversations. Then again, Levi doesn’t think they were ever in safe territory to begin with. Not when he had watched the other man drink all night, not when he had reacted internally upon hearing Eren call him “captain” for the first time in years, not when Eren leaned in and kissed him, confessed he’s thought about it for too long and not when Levi had gone and asked whether Eren still trained.

Eren seems to fight through it though and settles on honesty as he admits, “Other times, it just reminds me of...of everything I guess. Or... I’ll think, what if I need to keep up my strength? What if something comes up...that I’ll have to fight to survive again...”

Eren trails off and Levi winces. Doesn’t realizes that he does until Eren’s eyes flicker up to look at him and Levi feels the way that Eren’s staring at him again, sees right through him in that way that makes him feel transparent, naked. As if Levi was the one who was currently standing there stripped, not Eren.

When Levi meets his eyes, it’s the look that Eren gives him that tells Levi that Eren understands. Understands only all too well whatever nightmares wouldn’t leave him be. It’s been three years after the war, but for those who fought in it, it was only just yesterday. Sticking to training, leaving it as part of routine--it was really all they could do to keep moving forward. Even if Eren’s what if’s could happen, he knows its deeper than that. Knows that it’s something else that keeps them this way. Knows that the likeliness of the world coming back to wipe out their race--slim. The war had been won. They had won. And--

Levi’s eyes soften, the words that leave his lips sounding hollow even as he attempts to believe them, “The war is over, Eren.”

Words that he recited to himself more times than he can count. At this point, he’s not sure he’s reassuring Eren or himself. Probably both. They’re as much of a reminder to Eren as it is to himself after all. But the war is hardly over inside of them and Levi knows this, knows that for Eren, it’s the _same_. Knows that if there’s anyone who could possibly understand, it was Eren.

Eren looks up at him, eyes wide and the clarity of what’s behind them so painfully raw as he hears Levi’s words, he’s not sure if he wants to be comforted by that thought. Not when he knows that the other is as lost as he is and the reflection of the unspoken question he asked himself all too many times-- _if it’s truly over, now what_ \--Levi has to look away.

Looks away because the air suddenly hangs too heavy. Levi doesn’t have an answer, doesn’t think that he can bullshit an answer for Eren even if he tried and it’s the resigned desperation that he feels within him that he almost wishes Eren didn’t understand.

Had it always been this way? When they had been fighting for their futures, for another tomorrow that was of their own free will, he wonders if it had always felt like this.

At least he knows the answer to that one.

Knows that back then they had saw something else, believed in something else. Only things hardly ever goes as plans, he should have known. Not considering the lingering effects of the war was certainly one of them.

\--------------

It’s sometime later with Eren cleaned, slightly more sober and a towel wrapped around his waist that they find themselves in sitting on the edge of Levi’s bed. He knew none of the clothes he had would fit Eren, their sizes were hardly the same and Eren had voiced he hadn’t mind sleeping in a towel.

Or naked. Apparently.

Levi doesn’t mind either way, it’s not as if he was planning to sleep. “Whatever you want. You can have the bed.”

Eren’s eyes are on him again as he asks, “Do you...do you still not sleep?”

There’s no point in lying to him, it’s not as if Levi had anyone else to lie to. Concerning friends--he’d forgotten about that. He supposes he’s really only got Hanji left and they would be worried, but the last time he had seen them they had been doing a whole lot better than he was, so how could he burden them? Instead he had lied right to them and maybe he hadn’t been convincing, maybe they had known then that he was lying too, but he doesn’t want to dwell on that, doesn’t want to lie again. Doesn’t have the energy to lie to Eren, either.

“I… a couple hours. Same as before if that’s what you’re asking,” Levi admits, avoiding Eren’s too sharp gaze.

“...Oh.”

Levi takes that as his cue to leave, to let Eren get his sleep while he figures out whatever it is he’ll do with the rest of his time before he catches maybe, if he’s lucky, an hour or two of sleep in his chair just before dawn hits. Carrying Eren home with him and making sure the other man wasn’t going to pass out in the bathroom as he cleaned himself had taken longer than he had expected. He’s certain it’s already two in the morning at this point, yet his mind doesn’t feel any itch to rest. “Get some sleep.”

He makes to leave, but Eren stops him, Eren’s warm hand reaching out to grab his wrist as the other man breathes, “Levi.”

It’s the first time Eren’s called him by his name and Levi pauses, half in surprise, half grateful that Eren has stopped calling him “Captain”. Levi sits back down on the bed and answers, “Yeah?”

“Would you...stay?” Eren’s words are soft, slight slurred and perhaps he’s more drowsy than he’s given on, perhaps the alcohol or exhaustion is ready to knock him out again, but the request still surprises Levi.

Levi turns look at Eren, the state of Eren’s towel hanging dangerously loose and Levi has to swallow as he asks, “Are you--”

Eren cuts him off, his voice louder as he interrupts, “Asking you to sleep with me? I...Yeah. I am.”

Levi’s brows furrow together and maybe he’s an idiot, maybe it’s obvious after the way Eren had admitted to wanting to kiss him all those years ago, but he finds himself asking anyways. Wants to be sure, wants to know he’s not just reading all the wrong signs and that the other’s intentions are actually purely innocent, purely out of comfort. Though he suspects, even if he’s not wrong, it may be a little bit of both, even if Eren wouldn’t admit to the second part. “Just sleep or…”

Levi trails off and it’s a second of silence before Eren has somehow knocked Levi back against the mattress, palm digging into the bed beside Levi’s face as he hovers over him so close, Levi’s pulse starts picking up as his eyes widen just a bit. Eren’s lips curl into a ghost of a smirk in the darkness, his long hair pulled back messily again with a hair tie that has Levi wondering if the man slept like that, wondering how it could be comfortable, or if Eren just did it to keep his damp hair out of his face.

“I want you, Levi.”

Levi inhales, weighing the words heavily, wondering how strange the situation had become: Eren in his bed. Here. Almost on top of him and just about naked. Eren telling him he wants him, and shit--it’s been too long, if those words hadn’t gone straight to his groin he’d be lying, but he also knows that Eren is far from sober and even with the heat of Eren’s body close enough that Levi feels it, feels just how alluring that flicker of warmth is and how it would feel even better pressed against him, he manages to shake his head.

“Not a chance, kid. You’re drunk.”

Eren blinks down at him and huffs, “I’m not going to regret it tomorrow if that’s what you're afraid of and I’m not a kid anymore.”

“You sure sound like one right about now,” Levi retorts, his eyes unfaltering with sternness. “Now get off me.”

“Or I could get you off,” Eren suggests with enough of a hint of determination in his eyes that Levi has to admit that he doesn’t remember Eren ever being so straightforward. Then again, it’s possible he just never had the chance to be.

Levi tsks, “No.”

Eren scowls into the darkness, not making any signs to move until Levi’s hand pushes against his chest, his face unreadable, and Eren finally concedes. Rolling over, Eren falls back onto the bed. It’s a miracle the towel is still wrapped around his waist is all Levi’s mind supplies him with as he exhales.

Eren stares back up into the ceiling and sighs, “That’s a no, then?”

Now that he’s lying on his bed, Levi no longer feels like getting up, as if the energy he exerted all day has finally caught up with him even as his mind races a mile a minute. For once, it’s not the memories of war that plagues him though--it’s Eren. And however much he’s part of his past, he’s not thinking about that today.

“If you wake up in the morning and decide that you still want me...I won’t object,” Levi offers, not even certain why he’s promising the other man, but it’s not as though he didn’t want Eren, too. Just not when he wasn’t completely aware of his actions. 

Eren smiles just a bit at Levi’s words. It wasn’t a rejection at the very least.

“Fine...will you still stay at least?”

Levi knows that the moment Eren had asked, he had already made up his mind, his body growing far too comfortable in the warmth of his blankets. “Alright.”

Eren nods and closes his eyes, tugging at the blankets until one is secured across his stomach, the drowsiness hitting him all at once now that he’s clean and breathing into the scent that’s unmistakably Levi.

Levi blinks up into the ceiling, finding peace in the even breathing of Eren beside him, the man falling to sleep only moments later. He’s not surprised. What does surprises him is when he finds his own eyes growing heavy, a wave of calmness passing over him in the next hour--much sooner than he remembers ever happening before--and the sleep that claims him next is a restful one. One that he hasn’t had in years.

\--------------

When morning comes and the light rays of sunshine peeks through the edges of his blinds, Levi opens his eyes, more rested than he ever remembers feeling. He sits up and turns, remembering that he had brought Eren home with him from the night before, the younger man still fast asleep with hair splayed out across his pillow, his naked chest peeking out just beneath the sheets.

It’s...not a bad sight.

Levi looks away and goes to make breakfast.

In spite of Eren’s words and his own the night before, they don’t sleep together that morning. Eren doesn’t bring it up and Levi doesn’t remind him. Instead, they eat breakfast on the wooden table in Levi’s kitchen in a comfortable silence, only making small talk as they catch up on the years.

Like old friends, is what Levi thinks, but he’s not really sure what they ever were or if that term was the right one to use. Captain and subordinate? Two men who had gone through hell together and lived to tell the tale? He supposes mixture of all of the above would be the closest to the truth.

Eren learns of Levi’s thoughts of opening a tea shop and Eren brings up how seeing the world had been his dream at one point, but that it had lost its appeal when the war had ended, instead opting to cherish the peace of living in their homeland. He hadn’t gotten much further than living each day one at a time.

And Levi nods, not offering words, but understanding that it only made sense that Eren would want to stay. After all, if they left, what was it they had been protecting besides their lives and the lives of their people? He knows that Paradis too, the land itself, would always mean so much more.

After breakfast, they part ways. Eren stands at the door, the early morning sun projecting like a halo against his brown locks, and Levi almost wants him to stay. The company that he doesn’t get, the one that he thought he never wanted before, suddenly seeming wrong. Levi doesn’t voice it though and instead bids Eren goodbye, only managing to voice that the other man was welcome to visit if he ever wanted to. Eren offers him directions to his own house in exchange. 

It’s awkward. He’s never been good at goodbyes. Knows it’s not really goodbye, but feels like after last night and this morning, something’s changed. He’s just not sure what it means.

Levi shuts the door and stares out across the emptiness of his house, only just realizing for the first time how quiet it’s always been.


	2. What's Next

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the middle of the night, the storm is raging outside and when Eren walks over to his door and opens it--
> 
> It's Levi.
> 
> Levi is standing there drenched, the familiar dark green cloak draping over his shoulders, the hood clinging to his hair--those familiar black locks that weren't shielded by the hood clinging to his forehead.
> 
> He thinks Levi must be feeling particularly nostalgic to be wearing his cloak tonight. Eren can’t say he blames him, knows that he has seen the rest of the 104th squad out in those cloaks from time to time. He supposes it's familiar, comforting and he’s done it, too. He hadn’t expected Levi to show up at his door though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With lovely fanart [here](https://l-leonhardt.tumblr.com/post/185980067845/its-the-first-time-hes-seen-eren-passed-out) and for this chapter, [here](https://l-leonhardt.tumblr.com/post/185980781805/levi-continues-to-stand-there-his-head-tilted) by L_Leonhardt.
> 
> Here's the second part. Hope everyone enjoys. Thanks for reading!

Eren watches as the sky grows darker, gray hanging heavy and threatening to spill over. The rain falls outside, the drops showering against the window panes.

Eren shivers. Shivers even as he's not cold. He's long since stopped being cold, often running more than warm ever since he had become a titan shifter. Eren stares at the single lit candle in his room. Perhaps he should turn on a lamp or light another torch, but he doesn’t. Instead, he chooses to continue staring at the single flame that illuminates the space. He’s not certain how long he spends lost in his own thoughts and the silence of his home, even falling asleep at one point, but when he comes to the sky is completely dark outside and almost pitch black. 

It’s still raining.

A moment later a faint knock sounds at his door. The knock is subtle, almost drowned out from the way the rain seemed to have picked up and turned into a full blown storm since Eren had zoned out. Another knock resonates against the wooden frame and Eren pauses. Pauses in his thoughts and wonders who would possibly be out in the midst of a downpour trying to visit him. He doesn’t think Armin and Mikasa are back yet and anyone else...well he’s certain they wouldn’t make visiting him a priority in this weather.

It's the middle of the night, the storm is raging outside and when Eren walks over to his door and opens it--

It's _Levi._

Levi is standing there drenched, the familiar dark green cloak draping over his shoulders, the hood clinging to his hair--those familiar black locks that weren't shielded by the hood clinging to his forehead.

He thinks Levi must be feeling particularly nostalgic to be wearing his cloak tonight. Eren can’t say he blames him, knows that he has seen the rest of the 104th squad out in those cloaks from time to time. He supposes it's familiar, comforting and he’s done it, too. He hadn’t expected Levi to show up at his door though.

Since the night Levi had carried him home almost three months ago, they had made sitting in each other’s company at Jean’s bar a common occurrence. Some days they would talk, hint at the past, but mostly try and forget, even without voicing it. They didn’t need to.

There were days when Levi had showed up late and disoriented, his eyes flickering back and forth between Eren and the door, his body language speaking for itself about how hypervigilant the other man had seemed to be. Only when Eren would push over his glass of whiskey and start rambling off about some random thing he’d seen that day would Levi finally seem to settle just a bit. There were days when Levi hadn’t shown up at all and Eren had worried, but the next day he’d always be back the same as usual--with his novel in hand and no signs of whatever trouble had worn him enough to not show up the day before. Levi had never offered an explanation and Eren had never asked, but Eren suspects he knows part of the reason without even asking. 

After all, there were also days when it took Eren everything he had to drag himself out of bed and to that bar, knowing that getting out was better than staying in, that seeing Jean and being in the company of Levi would do wonders more than when he laid in bed for the fifteenth hour that day. Only it had taken him hours and hours to convince himself of that. There were other days too, when they would simply enjoy each other’s company--Levi would read and Eren would lose himself to his thoughts or people watch. It was somewhere around that time that Eren realized meeting with Levi had become a part of his routine--something that had impacted him more than he had noticed. But throughout those months, Levi’s never visited him before and he hasn’t been back to Levi’s place either.

Wordlessly, Eren steps aside, an open invitation for Levi to enter, but the other man makes no sign to move, no sign that he’s even acknowledged Eren opening the door at all. It’s as if time freezes, only the persistent drops of rain thudding against the ground and everything in its path, the only thing that seemed to be unfrozen by time.

Finally, as if he’d passed through some hurdle internally, Levi takes a hesitant step inside and then another until he's standing there in the doorway of Eren's house, his boots caked in mud and rain drenching the wooden floors. Eren closes the door softly behind him. At a loss for words, Eren waits for Levi to speak. Thinks that if he so much as asks, the other man might bolt--like an animal caught in the forest, vulnerable.

Imagine that, is what he would say...maybe years ago. Maybe when he had naively first viewed Levi to be the hero he had looked up to. Until he had learned that Levi was flawed, as flawed as a human being that he so very was even if he had a soul of a monster. Something that Eren related to only all too much. Eren knows that Levi has always been human and that’s why vulnerability was inevitable. He just doesn't know what makes Levi vulnerable tonight, but whatever it is Eren doesn’t dare ask, feels as though if he does, Levi might break.

So Eren stands there, waiting for Levi to speak--to move--do anything, even rid himself of what is probably his now offensive clothes that have been soiled. Except he doesn't.

Levi continues to stand there, his head tilted down, body unmoving, unspeaking, almost as if he was unseeing as he stared at the ground. Or whatever it was he was seeing, Eren couldn’t say, only that he looked more lost than Eren's ever seen him.

Lost. With sadness tinged around his edges.

He wants to ask a separate question then-- _have you ever seen a man so sad, your heart clenches painfully wishing you could make it better, but you feel powerless to do so? That you aren’t even sure where to begin and so you do nothing?_ He supposes it feels a bit like this--powerless against whatever demons are plaguing Levi tonight, but wishing that he could help. He knows because it’s the only explanation for Levi showing up at his door, unannounced, wearing their wings and looking too out of it to explain himself.

Levi has never been one who was good at explaining his feelings, or himself, but Eren thinks he understands if anything just a little bit tonight because Eren’s been there, too.

So Eren waits, thinks the silence would be deafening if not for the rain in the background, or the thunder that once again strikes off in the distance that should normally be a threat sounding more like comfort. Comfort of providing sound to the otherwise silence. He's almost grateful.

It’s god knows how many minutes that passes before Eren has had enough. Tentatively, he reaches out a hand, reaches to shift back the bangs out of Levi's eyes. Levi doesn't resist when Eren pushes back his green hood and brushes a warm hand against his cold cheeks.

Levi is painfully cold, but even now, Eren wants to say Levi looks divine.

Then again, he’s always had. Otherworldly, he supposes, even if he knows that Levi is as human as the man next door, but his looks? His well defined and sharp features, even the hard look that more often than not crosses between his eyes Eren likes.

It’s the realization then that reminds him just how much he’s always liked Levi as more than his captain. More than the human being who had trusted him, who had vowed to put an end to him if he ever became consumed by the monster he believed himself to be. Realized that all those years of burying his feelings, of accepting that losing someone you were romantically involved in during war was possibly the stupidest thing you could do and so he had done nothing, has _changed_ nothing.

Levi knows of how long Eren’s wanted to kiss him. What Eren hasn’t told him, is just how strongly those feelings had came back to him. Especially now, he wants to say, when they had spent so much time together in the recent months since that night. It’s not even about whether Levi reciprocates those feelings, which he’s starting to suspect that if anything, if even for a moment, Levi does, but it’s about how terrifyingly easy it was to make Levi part of his routine and he thinks maybe, just maybe--however small and fragile that part was, however undefined they were--it’s helped.

Helped with the way that Eren had been so caught up in the past, he had barely been living in the present. But Levi’s in front of him now, he’s somehow stumbled up to Eren’s door step and Eren is definitely living in the present now and while Levi may be caught up in the past, it takes all his self control to not kiss Levi and bring him back to the present.

Eren takes a step closer to Levi, close enough that he’s sure his own heat is radiating off and onto Levi. Eren runs a hand a little more sure now up Levi’s cheeks, pushes some more damp hair out of his face and tilts Levi’s chin up towards him.

It’s then that Levi’s eyes finally meet his own, the turmoil within those gray eyes almost resemblance of the first time Eren looked out his window earlier that evening. Gray and storm like. It’s cold, but Eren has enough warmth to share, has enough heat that he’s not chilled by the look in Levi’s eyes. Vows instead, to stay warm enough for the both of them as Levi offers up the first words that night.

“I saw them again.”

It’s nothing more than a whisper, but Eren is listening, listening as intently as he knows Levi had been when Eren had been drunk and rambling off in his bathroom that night. Eren doesn’t push him, doesn’t prompt him to continue, but Levi does.

His voice sounds shaken as he recounts, “I saw the faces of the fallen...from the original Survey Corps out in the rain. Their faces kept flashing across my vision and all I could smell was blood and dirt. Their faces in their last moments...I still remember them.”

Levi inhales sharply then, looking paler than he already was, his body shaking and Eren attempts to still him. He wraps his arms around Levi, feeling more sure of his actions and wanting to provide the comfort more than anything--and surprisingly, Levi lets him.

Let’s him wrap his arms around his cold body and pull him in a bit closer. He’s not certain he knows how to comfort Levi. Not certain that he can do anything for him at all, but Levi had chosen to show up on his own. 

It could have been a number of reasons. Maybe it’s because Eren’s the only one in town that Levi could turn to. Maybe Levi hadn’t meant to knock on Eren’s door, his hesitation after all would have certainly been explained. Maybe it had been convenient that Eren lives the closest to Levi. All Eren knows is that he’s in the present, that Levi is willingly showing his vulnerability and lets himself be held and for that, Eren thinks, it’s a start.

“It’s not real,” Eren promises and hopes it sounds convincing, hopes that the words that chill him even as he had vowed to have enough warmth to chase it away doesn’t show.

“They’re…they’re gone now,” Eren states, the fact of it still as hard as the day he had found them dead, the image that Levi recounts to him almost as fresh as he remembers. “Gone from that hell we lived in.”

 _The hell that we no longer live in_ , he reminds himself silently.

But Levi is still shaking, continues to even as Eren holds him in the entrance of his house, not even minding that Levi’s clothes are soaking up his own, but choosing to stand there and hold the man for as long as he needs him to. With Levi pressed against him so close, he hears the faint uneven sound of Levi’s breathing, almost borderline hyperventilating now and he wonders just how Levi’s dealt with it all these years. He is certain of one thing now—that Levi’s experienced it before.

“Breathe with me,” Eren requests in an attempt to calm the other man, the way he had chided himself when he felt himself thrown back into the past, the tingles of anxiety running deep within. Whether or not it worked all the time, he wants to hope it might help Levi. Eren’s not convinced that Levi can hear him, that he’s listening at all with the way he seems distant, but after some time Levi’s breathing does slow down and matches more of his own.

He can’t say how long has passed. That seemed to be the common denominator these days--losing track of time, letting time pass so insignificantly and he supposes it’s fine. Fine, because Levi is here with him and there’s no rush, there’s nothing that he needs to do, nothing else that he _wants_ to do. Somehow, comforting Levi and being in the other’s company has become more important to him than anything.

Eventually, Levi stops shaking and leans more heavily into Eren’s arms as if the energy that he exerted before has left him empty and exhausted. Eren understands that too, knows just how much anxiety can leave him drained.

Eren’s voice is warm, gentle, and Levi wonders briefly when he’d turned into such a dependent coward who caused trouble for Eren, but maybe it’s the familiarity. Maybe it’s the feeling that Eren understands him, that he sees the part of himself he doesn’t want to in Eren that may have been the reason he’d ended up here tonight.

Now that the initial anxiety and memories has subsided enough from the forefront of his mind, Levi takes in the surroundings, attempting to distract himself from the feelings and smells he couldn’t shake off before Eren had opened his door. It’s dark inside, but somehow the single lit candle doesn’t seem as ominous or uncomfortable as he’d typically feel when he was in the dark after having such vivid imagery before him.

“Come on, let’s get you in a bath warmed up and cleaned,” Eren offers in an attempt to get Levi’s attention with something he knows is usually important to him.

Thankfully, it does. Levi seems to shake himself out of the stupor and gives a small nod, letting himself be led into Eren’s bathroom. Eren doesn’t miss the parallels of the situation to the one three months ago, when their roles had been reversed and Levi had led Eren to his bathroom when Eren had been too drunk to care. 

An hour later they end up in Eren’s bed, Levi lying on one side and Eren on the other end, but somehow still close enough that they’re both acutely aware of the other’s presence. Eren’s touch almost lingers, wonders if he dares to take a chance, wonders if Levi wanted the comfort of being close enough to touch again or if holding him was a one time thing. He doesn’t get the chance to make that decision though, as Levi surprises him with the way his fingers reach out and traces across Eren’s warmer ones.

“Sorry,” Levi offers quietly, “About earlier.”

“Don’t be,” he whispers back just as quietly. Eren thinks it’s Levi’s way of saying thank you, but it’s not as if he feels he’s done anything deserving of being thanked. He’s only grateful that Levi seemed to come back to himself. Levi says nothing more and Eren turns toward the window, his heart beating irregularly at the feel of Levi’s hand against his own. 

The storm is over at least.

\--------------

Eren runs a thumb across the coolness of the glass in his hand. It’s another night at the bar and he’s sure that he’s passed beyond an alcoholic. He remembers looking in distaste against the soldiers when he was a kid, watching them drink the day away and letting their guard down. He hadn’t seen the appeal of alcohol then, instead, frowning upon those actions. Even through the war he hadn’t been too much of a fan of alcohol, instead wanting to stay on constant guard.

So maybe it’s a bit ironic that now, even though he’s still so caught up in the war three years after, he’s somehow became an alcoholic. It’s disgusting and even if he hates it, he can’t stop. It’s become more of a coping mechanism than anything. 

Honestly, he’s surprised that Levi doesn’t tell him so. He supposes the other man nurses two or three glasses of whiskey every night and maybe he’s only slightly better than Eren, but Levi never seemed affected. Told him he drank for the taste and not much else.

It's not exactly fair. 

When they decide to step out of Jean’s bar that night, Levi lingers a little slower than he normally does. It’s not until they reach the path that splits between the hill up to Levi’s house and the road across to Eren’s that Levi speaks, “Do you want to come over?”

Eren blinks under the stars and the half moon in the distance. The night sky is clear tonight, devoid of any clouds. He’s not certain of the implications of the actions, but with the way his pulse races a little too quickly, he knows that his the thought of spending more time with Levi is something he wants so he agrees. 

Nothing happens.

Of course it doesn’t, Eren hadn’t expected to have a one night stand with Levi, even if the first time he had been over at Levi’s place he had drunkenly and embarrassingly almost asked for that. It’s that night though, that even though Levi had told him he only slept for a couple hours, the same way he had back then, that Eren watches Levi fall asleep before him and staying asleep the following morning longer than Eren does.

It’ll be a couple weeks later before Levi confesses that he sleeps more when Eren’s around.

\--------------

Levi’s lost count of how many nights it’s been.

They’re staring up at Levi’s ceiling, the sliver of moonlight shining through his windows painting over the sheets. On normal nights, the silence would get to him, even the beauty of the moonlight wouldn’t be enough to lull him to sleep.

Levi both loves the moonlight and hates it. Loves it for the way he had always looked up into the sky, glancing at the full pure light that seemed to make the world so beautiful. Hates it because he finds himself staying up all night because of it, being reminded of when they had learned titans moved during the moonlight or when they had learned that beyond titans, there was a world who hated them, just waiting to attack at any moment. That even during nightfall, they weren’t safe and now that he knew no one was on guard, no one was keeping watch while he would sleep, the sense of unease would creep through him.

Nights like these he’d find himself back in the old habit of staying awake, not even wanting to succumb to slumber for a few short hours in his chair.

It’s been different recently, though. After four months of their undefined relation, Levi’s getting far too comfortable with the presence of Eren beside him. Enough to the point that the moonlight isn’t bothering him as much tonight. Eren is here and even as both men lay almost still in the darkness, Levi knows that Eren’s awake. His thoughts are preoccupied tonight, not with the titans that move under the moonlight or the paranoia of being ambushed in the night (however irrational that thought was now that the war was long over), but with the man next to him and the gentle breathing that mimics his own.

“I did too,” Levi says so suddenly that Eren only blinks into the darkness, wondering if Levi had said anything at all or if he was simply imagining it. Eventually, he turns toward the man and slowly asks, “What?”

“I did too,” Levi repeats. “Think about kissing you.”

Eren remains silent, all too aware of the way his heart beats at the confession, but Levi isn’t done. “For a long time during my sleepless nights, when I could afford to think about it, I’d wonder what it’d be like… if we weren’t at war, if I pursued those feelings would you ever feel the same? Would humanity’s greatest hope even turn my way?”

Levi pauses and then shifts onto his side, eyes meeting Eren’s--those bright eyes staring back at him. “I saw the way you looked at me back then. I did, but I hadn’t thought it was beyond respect. To think that I wasn’t the only one…”

Levi trails off and Eren closes the distance between them, leaning in to kiss Levi.

Levi lets him. Lets Eren’s lips meet against his own, lets himself be kissed breathless. Let’s Eren’s hand caress against his own skin, leaving a trail of desire so warm, he pants out into Eren’s mouth. It’s not much longer before Eren’s body is pressed up against his, the heat between them causing him to flush all over as Eren’s hand runs across the span of his chest, his scars and kneads against the erection in his boxers. He hadn’t realized just how hard he had become from the way Eren was currently kissing him, touching him.

Eren works his hand across his skin and its an exchange of breathless pants and gasps as Levi feels the way Eren grinds against his thigh. It’s so much hotter than he remembers, remembers too just how long it’s been since he’s been with anyone this close, also sure that he’s never felt this way about anyone else though and the intimacy level with feelings makes it that much better. Eren strokes Levi through his boxers, his warm hand coaxing Levi to completion as Levi’s hands claw across Eren’s back, teeth sinking against the crook of Eren’s neck and muffling the loud moan that leaves his lips.

It’s when it’s over and his legs are sticky as he releases in his boxers and Eren cums against his leg that he finally catches his breath.

It’s not perfect, but in some ways, it almost is.

Like Eren understanding him without needing to convey everything was more relieving than he thought. Like Eren reminding him of the past that he both loathes and longs for makes it all the more bearable. 

It’s something he hadn’t even realized he wanted.

\--------------

He’s back there again.

The ruins of Shiganshina, the time when Marley forces came for them in their airships, the raid that killed so many of their own.

When Levi calls his name, Eren flinches. Flinches because his mind has placed him back in that battlefield and Levi’s call for his name sounds an awful lot like when he had shouted orders at him back then.

In reality he’s standing in the middle of town, groceries in one hand, but in his mind he’s back on the brink of fighting for survival. Eren didn’t want to settle down in the same part of Shiganshina that he had once lived because of the abundance of painful memories that came with it and so he had settled into the same district but a different part. He’d thought it would help. And perhaps it had, but one shout that he had heard from a man nearby, two instances of sounds that had sounded almost like a bomb and he was back there. 

As if his brain couldn’t distinguish the difference. 

“Oi, Eren!”

It’s instinct. He wants to scream, wants to raise his hand against his mouth, bite down against the flesh—his eyes are clenched shut as Levi’s hand clasps against his wrist and the urge to shift into a titan is almost overwhelming. 

It seems Levi’s switched from his loud shouts to something more calculated. His voice is calm now and somehow it pulls Eren back to the present. Grounds him.

Moments pass and Eren is able to make out the words.

“...Eren, are you alright?” 

He opens his eyes then and refocuses onto the voice besides him, the voice of Levi asking if he’s alright--not because they’re at war anymore, but because he’s stopped walking and almost panic shifted into a titan with the way his wrist was held against his mouth. 

Eren lowers his hand, a dark look crossing his eyes. He hadn’t wanted Levi see him like that.

He wonders out loud, “Will it ever go away?”

Levi wishes he knew the answer.

\--------------

He wakes up shaking and for all of 20 seconds, Eren doesn’t know what woke him up. That is until he sees Levi’s hand flying to the knife he keeps on his bedside table faster than Eren has ever seen anyone reach for anything. He’s almost terrified. Would be, but he knows it doesn’t matter. That even if Levi slashes him in his sleep, he’ll heal. Even though he knows it’s Levi, that even in his sleep, he’s certain he’s an opponent that’s not easy to take down--that maybe Eren should be worried, even if he can only be killed at the spine of his neck, Eren isn’t.

Doesn’t bat an eye, as he struggles to hold Levi’s arm down and attempts to wake the other man, “Levi! Levi, wake up. It’s just a dream. Just a nightmare. You’re safe, you’re here. It’s not real.”

Levi only struggles harder against Eren’s hold, his face scrunched up as he all but growls, the veins of his hand more defined with how tightly he gripped that knife. He thrashes even against Eren’s hold, and for all of a second--because that’s all it takes--Eren is thrown off guard and Levi slashes the knife against Eren’s cheek.

Eren winces as the blade cuts into his skin, blood drawing out as he regrips himself against Levi and wrestles the knife out of his hand. Eren’s more worried Levi will hurt himself more than anything.

Two, three more struggled attempts before Levi’s body stills and his eyes open, widening all the more when he sees Eren pinning him down with a look of concern, his usual knife kept at his bedside table flung across the room. As Eren realizes Levi’s awake, he lets him go and rolls over to catch his breath.

Then, Levi asks, “Did I…?” 

Eren knows what he’s asking, knows that he’s a shit liar and so he tells him the truth, “You tried to attack me in your sleep, but...it’s fine.”

Levi’s eyes flicker with an unmistakable apology and opens his mouth, the words about to fly out about how _of course it matters_ , but Eren cuts him off before he even begins.

“I promise it’s fine, it’s already healing, you know that. So even if you hurt me, it’s okay!” Eren’s voice raises slightly, he’s always been more concerned for Levi than himself, so naturally he doesn’t like seeing the guilt written across the other’s face either.

Instead, Eren offers, ‘“I’ll make some tea.” 

It’s a long night.

\--------------

It’s not until much later that Eren realizes just how much Levi is still living in the past as he is. He knew that Levi suffered from flashbacks of the past, knew that the man was dealing with the same nightmares that he was, but to what extent--it’s not until they planned to leave the city that day that he realizes it. To those unfamiliar with the signs, it’s unnoticeable. Despite how hard it is to live the life of a civilian, he finds it surprisingly easy how blending in was to those who didn’t understand.

It takes Eren six months of being with Levi to convince him that he doesn’t need to go out in 3DMG, doesn’t need to equip himself.

Levi looks conflicted though, half lying, half truthfully saying, “I like the feeling of flying through the city.”

And Eren doesn’t know what to say to that, because he does, too. But he also knows the real reason, the feeling that he couldn’t shake off even if he tried--the very same that Levi feels, that the war is over but in their heads, it’s not. Detaching yourself from all that you’ve known your entire life wasn’t so easy to break, wasn’t a habit that could just be dropped. Three years or not, he doesn’t think that those fears will ever truly go away and going out of the gates with 3DMG to them feels like going out without an escape route. Defenseless.

Eren understands, understands all too well--only he’s still a titan shifter, knows that if anything did happen, he could transform. Even if he hasn’t in over two years, not since the end of reconstruction and there was no reason for him to transform anymore.

It’s with hesitation, unease and a whole lot of convincing from Eren before Levi walks out of the city that day without 3DMG.

\--------------

Jean’s bar is bustling tonight.

Of course it is, it’s the fourth anniversary of the war after all and even as people forgot the pain of war, that Paradis had long ago healed, no one wanted to pass up an opportunity for a good celebration. Without a doubt, it’s the biggest celebration of the year. 

Eren remembers the first night after the war, when mixtures of cries and cheers had littered down the streets. Torches lit way past midnight and bars filled to the brim with those who had celebrated their victory, their survival. Similarly, there were those who had sat by the shores and stared off across the ocean or those who took comfort in the campfire they were so used to, drained mentally and physically, unable to comprehend what it even meant for the war to be over. While Eren had took part in some of the celebrations, his mind had been closer to the latter, hardly daring to believe that they had won. 

It’s been four years and still, it’s bittersweet. A mixture of relief, but also the uncertainty of what the future means or what he’ll look forward to still sits at the back of his mind. That hasn’t gone away and Eren’s also certain that no matter the time that passes it won’t. Similar to the way he knows that he’ll always think back about the war, always have days he’ll be so caught up in the past or moments that will trigger the reflexes that have ingrained within him because of the war, but things have changed, even he can acknowledge that.

He knew that for the veterans of war, moving on was never going to be easy, but having watched Jean, Mikasa, Armin, Connie and Hanji all find something that they had wanted to do after the war had both made him so happy for them and envious. He knew they still dealt with the lingering effects of war, that they always would too, but watching them all find a passion that he’d lacked had felt like he had been the only one who had been too fucked up by the war to come back from it, even if he knew everyone dealt with experiences differently. Even with Armin and Mikasa who had worried for him and wanted him to go with them, he’d only felt as if he’d been holding them back. They’d already wasted too much of their lives, he hadn’t wanted to be another burdening factor.

Eren hadn’t been naive enough to believe that he’d find a cure, that there’d ever be a cure to how certain images, sounds or even smells would bring back memories that would set his mind into overdrive in a fight to survive mode, but somehow finding Levi in the midst of the debris of a war that shouldn’t even matter anymore had helped. Like dealing with those issues with someone who had once upon a time been known as humanity’s strongest had made him feel just that much less alone. 

Never in those three years had he imagined that Levi would be as stuck in the past as he was, wandering aimlessly into the future.

Levi glances at Eren, knowing that the other man was likely lost down memory lane with the way he’d grown quiet for the past ten minutes. He doesn’t blame him.

It’s also been exactly a year. A year since Levi took Eren home that night and something changed. Despite the strangeness of the situation, being with Eren had felt a bit like coming home after a long day. The following months, they had only grown closer, until Levi had asked Eren to move in with him. It’s not what he had expected, but following the war and everything else hadn’t been what he expected either.

Life was unexpected and he had long since stopped growing to expect anything. So growing close to someone? It’s unexpected, but not at all unpleasant, however foreign the concept had seemed to him for so long. If anything, it’s helped in ways that he never thought anyone would be able to. Helped with the nightmares, helped with the emptiness of _what’s next_ and instead helped him focus on the present. _One day at a time_ as Eren had said and Levi likes to think, those words are worth following. 

“What would you say to the idea of leaving?” Levi asks suddenly, watching Eren’s reaction closely.

It takes Eren another moment before he realizes Levi’s speaking to him. Eren considers it, before answering honestly, “I don’t know. You know it was my dream before, but...that seemed so long ago.”

 _A lot of things were so long ago._ Eren shrugs.

The impulsiveness of the the idea hits Levi like something he feels Eren needs, or that _they_ need. So even as Eren continues to order another drink and starts bickering with Jean over how he needed more space in the bar, Levi is only half listening, his mind made up.

\--------------

When Eren wakes the next morning, something seems amiss. It’s not until he sees Levi in the kitchen, a cup of tea in hand and two bags by the door that he opens his mouth to ask.

“What are you doing?”

Levi drinking tea is normal, bags by the door are certainly not. 

Levi places his cup down, his expression given nothing away as he turns to look at Eren, “It’s time to go.”

“Go…?” Eren asks in confusion and in part panic that Levi was leaving. Levi hadn’t mentioned anything before, but the thought of it races something inside of him into worry as he repeats, “Go where?”

Levi smiles just a bit, it’s a rare sight--one that Eren has grown all too fond of. “I asked you yesterday didn’t I? About how you’d feel about leaving and you didn’t seem too opposed to the idea. That dream of yours to see the world? Let’s go.” 

Eren makes no sign to move, instead trying to recall the question that Levi had in fact asked him last night. Instead he states, “I thought you wanted to open a tea shop.”

“That doesn’t matter. Seeing the world was never my dream, but it was yours and...you’re important to me. So...if anything, I think that’s something worth trying for. Maybe seeing the world, getting a change of pace will put us in a different perspective.” 

Eren opens his mouth to refute the idea, but before he can, Levi continues, “I know you decided after the war that the world had lost its appeal, but apart from the war, you haven’t given it a chance. We have all the time in the world now. What do we have to lose by going out and seeing for ourselves just what’s out there?”

As if reading the hesitation in Eren’s eyes, Levi adds, “And if we decide that we hate it, that there's nothing there, we can always come back and open our tea shop. It’s not going anywhere.” 

Levi has a point. What he seems to be focusing on though, is the way Levi speaks with the both of them in mind. It was all “we” and not just Eren’s dream or Levi’s dream and suddenly--the thought of venturing out, seeing the world with Levi didn’t seem so bad. The appeal that he remembered as a young boy, wanting to venture beyond the walls and seeing what was outside ignites inside of him.

He can’t think of a reason not to. 

Levi eyes him as he stands up and steps closer to Eren, “Is that a yes? I even packed our bags…”

For a moment, there’s no reaction. Then, the smile that breaks across Eren’s face is one that Levi will never tire of seeing. It reminds him of the years ago when Eren had been fifteen, when he had smiled a lot more and held the determination and passion that Levi had been impressed by.

He’s certain that this isn’t a choice he’ll regret. With the chance that Eren will find that passion again, that they will find something worthwhile outside of Paradis, he thinks it’s worth it. 

Eren steps up to Levi and stands before him. He leans in to kiss Levi next, lingering against his lips even when they pull apart for air. Then he whispers, “Thank you.”

“Let’s go.”


End file.
